Restoration

noun: the act of restoring; renewal, revival, or reestablishment;
the state or fact of being restored;
a return of something to a former, original, normal or unimpaired condition;
the act of being re-storied by God into his bigger purposes (definition mine!)

It's been a while since I last took a 'selfie'. I'm not really a 'take a photo of myself' kinda person, as you can probably tell from the image! But there's something wholly significant about the fact that, this year, I am putting myself back in the picture. I recognise that over the last few years I have made myself small in order to make others feel bigger. I've just read a reflection I wrote a few years ago where I note "I've spent all of my training vying for room with dandelions and I need to be in a space where I can flourish too!" The irony is that I have often found myself In a space where there wasn't room for 'me' and AN other. I have wrestled with the fact that 'the other' has been so large a presence that there didn't appear to be room for God in there either! And these were so-called 'Christians'! I mean, honestly?

So the hope this year is to be re-storied. And 'restoration' is to be my word for 2025 (yes, you heard it hear first!) to allow God to re-write some of the difficult narratives that have become my truths and to even re-write some of my own! Because I also need to learn to hear my own voice again and to trust her wisdom. I wonder if that isn't the hardest part of the journey?

But it begins by putting to death some of the lies that I have listened to about who I AM.
Becasue the false self says that you need to look beautiful on the outside, to have the right figure, the right clothing, the right hair and make-up to measure up. The false self says you need to be compliant, not to rock the boat or ask questions or dare to speak out. The false self says you need to be an achiever, a people-pleaser, a help-meet, a good girl. The false self says, 'you are nothing but a spare rib'. The false self says, put yourself last, you are last, you are a NOT. The false self says, stay small. 

God says, created, formed, redeemed, called, named, cherished, saved, precious, honoured, loved, embraced. 
God says, loved, lovely, loveable, attractive, godly, worthy, inspiring, invited, acceptable.

The Funeral!

And so we buried her, God and I, and I did the priestly thing by writing a liturgy and holding a small funeral service, and together we said a tearful and final farewell to that false self in the cottage garden at St Bueno's Retreat centre, Rhuallt, North Wales.

How long she will stay buried is anyone's guess . . .